Don't Judge Me

Yep!  I just ate my breakfast of a cupcake with coffee at 11:40am.  After feeding Caleb his lunch of chicken fried chicken, corn, applesauce, and milk.

Don't judge me.  You don't know that I'm trying to cope the best I can with being forgotten and left behind by my own flesh and blood.

You see today, one of the very best men in my life will be buried under the cold hard ground.. forever.

I got the call from my Mother last Sunday - while Ben and I were having a "just us mini vacation in Port A."  She told me that my Grandpa had passed away - then she told me to think about what I was going to do and hung up.

I had written him a letter with all of the memories we shared; how I would spend every summer with him at his farm and later at his house after he sold the farm.  We would tend to the cows & garden at my Uncles farm up the road from his old one.  How he would have to stop at the IGA in town to buy me milk because I refused to drink the unpasteurized milk that was at the farm.  Baling hay in the hot sun & then having to load the bales in the hay-mound for winter, etc.  

I held onto that letter for weeks because I felt as if he was holding onto life to receive my letter - I felt selfish - he had many strokes & was in a lot of pain.  Two weeks prior to receiving the phone call from my Mother - I mailed it to him & it broke my heart.

My family is from Wisconsin so it's not quite a hop and skip from Texas - although many times I've dream't it was the next state over and I could drive and see them all again.

Anyway, Ben and I were headed home - while driving through Kenedy, TX my Mother calls again.  She basically stated their plans were to drive to Houston (since tickets were too high from Austin) Wednesday night and stay with my brother and his wife.  Then Thursday morning they would get up at the butt-crack of dawn and board a flight to Minneapolis, MN.  All along - I'm struggling to figure out how Caleb, Ben, and I would be able to fit into those plans.

#1 - my brother and his wife don't have the room to accommodate all of us to stay over - even for just a night!
#2 - they have four dogs and Caleb is terrified of them.

#3 - the flight leaves Houston airport at 5am - Caleb NEEDS his sleep - he has a hard enough time sleeping at home.

Then she told me, "y'all should probably just stay home" because; a. "someone has to stay and make the money."  Ben and I both have vacation/sick time.  And b. "we don't even know where we will be staying - your Aunt is going through a divorce and everything is a mess."

Then it dawned on me, she had made the plans and we weren't included...

Wednesday, Thursday, & Friday have all come and gone and we've not heard one word from any of them.  It sucks to type this but I don't even know if they're alive..

Today, my amazing Grandpa is being buried and we weren't included in anything.  I won't have the chance to say "goodbye" or take a shot of tequilla in memory of him with everyone.

It's bittersweet, I'm glad he's in a better place now.  Looking over my Aunt Cindy who passed away four years ago from a very rare cancer (we weren't included in those plans either).  He's not hurting any longer but he lived a good life!

Cheers, Grandpa!  Ben and I are taking a shot of tequilla in your honor tonight!!

xoxo

{obit}